I find myself so prone to focusing on the negative things. I'm also confused. Maybe because I tend to think too much, maybe because I don't talk to people enough about how I really feel, and maybe because I just don't trust God to give me what I need. Many times I find myself smiling and laughing when later on I realize something wasn't funny, but instead I disagreed with what was said or done. I hate that. I'm most likely in the middle of learning a hard lesson (or several) about what it means to truly live for God. I don't want to live for God out of obligation. Believing in Him is my choice, not something I "should do, or else". This God I believe in loves me so much. I confess it because I look back over time and see His hand in my life. There were hard times and there were good times, but even in the hard times, I learned good, life-giving ways and I have come to realize that those hard times are God's way of saying He loves me. So why am I still afraid of those times?
It's so easy for me to have self-pity, to be sorry for myself, to make a big deal out of something like buying a car. Goodness, I'm blessed to have enough money to get a car in the first place, and here I am complaining about how long it's taking because I'm trying to make a wise decision and complaining that I don't love every aspect of the car. A car is a bunch of pieces of material put together (in a complex way) to get someone from point A to point B, so why do I care so much what color it is or how pleasing it is to my eyes. I've heard several times that I am investing in the car, so of course I should care how good it looks to me. I'm trying to have fun buying the car, which isn't easy for some unknown reason. It's a big responsibility and I have some kind of fear that God's going to come along and allow something bad to happen. But that's up to Him...as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to get the car and trust that He's going to do what He wants to do, whether it's keep me from harm or not. I'm still going to obey the rules of the road and try to maintain the new car better than I did my current one, haha. And if gas is dwindled down to nothing worldwide by 2014, then I'll still be okay.
I find myself wanting a lot of things. Is this selfish? I feel guilty for wanting things, yet what I think is important is the motive behind wanting them. Is it for God's glory, for the benefit of others? When I want an iPod so I don't have to listen to the music at Gold's Gym, but instead sing praise and worship to the God who's given me legs and arms that work well, I don't see what's wrong with getting an iPod. I have a better attitude when I've been praising God and I'm more willing to serve Him. I still feel guilty that I want to tune out people's conversations a lot because many make me angry. Also, I've realized that I've gotten angry at so many people for having iPods, judging them for being disconnected from people, hurting their ears with loud music, and spending too much time and money on their electronics. Not everyone that has an iPod does these things, but I've judged them for it.
Do not judge, or you too will be judged (Matthew 7:1). God has definitely convicted me of how much I judge naturally. I may not say it out loud, but it shows itself, oh it shows itself. And no matter how hard I try not to judge someone, I still find myself doing it...oh boy. That's where I remembered God's goodness to change me from the inside out as I confess those judgments to him. It's not easy, but I'm willing to put up a fight against our enemy because I hate seeing the pain Satan's caused through judgments and I'm not going to be a passive participant in it.
So now I find myself caring too much about how many might view me if I were to have an iPod. I'm living in fear of people and I'm sick of it! God knows this and I will keep praying He strips that fear away and gives me faith in place of it. I want to have faith in Him and to put action to it. I'm so thankful, God, that you see my heart for what it really is and see me as worthy of love and acceptance because of Jesus' sacrifice, even with a heart that has plenty of that ugly sin -
"...The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7
And I have come to believe that God's judgment of men's hearts is the judgment that matters above any other. That's how the gospel applies to my life today, at least in one aspect. Maybe I mentioned God "too much" for some, but I believe He's that involved with my life and I love Him for it!
Off to do laundry and clean and move stuff around. I'll have a roommate and her 13-year old daughter moving in within the next two weeks :).
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